I know it without a shadow of a doubt. My car is a magical thing. Probably more magical than Puff the Magic Dragon or unicorns even.
No, I’m not crazy at all. At least I don’t think so. Let me show you the logic of this statement though.
My car operates through the magic of a talisman and some different magic potions. It’s not unlike the scenarios seen in some video games I remember my kids playing on their Nintendo. I think one of the games was called Zelda? Maybe. I can’t remember for sure, but there were characters who had to navigate this strange landscape to rescue a princess, fighting all kinds of magical creatures and crossing all kinds of obstacles, magical and otherwise.
We see magic in a lot of our fiction and movies, from the Lord of the Rings to the whole Harry Potter thing. It’s only natural that I would eventually see the parallel with the thing we call “reality” here. It first occurred to me that magic is what operates my car.
It starts with the purchase, of course, and all cars come with at least one magic talisman. We have to have that talisman in order to make it move. If we lose our talisman, it’s a huge disaster too. We’ll turn our homes upside down and rake the entire lawn in search of it. If it’s bad enough, we have to call a special magician to come and create a new talisman for us. In the “good old days”, talismans were simple tokens, ones we could have copied in a number of locations, usually hardware stores. Today, however, those talismans have been imbued with even more magic, and obtaining a duplicate one can be very expensive.
Now once we have our car, the modern version of a magic carpet, except that it doesn’t fly, we aren’t off the hook in terms of further magical purchases either. We have to have regular supplies of magic potions, most of which is purchased at a magic potion store. Occasionally, other magic potions are also required that perform more specialized magical assistance for our cars. We can buy these at different stores, as well as occasionally finding limited quantities and varieties available at the specialized magic potion store. We even have a meter on our cars to tell us when we’re running low on magic potions. Many of us even have special tools to help us find those all important magic potion purveyors. When we are forced to continue using an older, worn out car, usually because we lack the “gold coins” and “reputation points” to buy a newer model, we often are forced to buy more potions because the potions don’t last as long. We may also have to visit magicians more often to have the car’s magic restored.
All cars must make regular visits to magicians to ensure that their magical powers are intact. It’s part of the magic conspiracy to ensure that we don’t accumulate excess gold coins. We’re even more susceptible to that conspiracy if we are forced to use an older model of car, as their magic grows weaker with time. I’m certain that the makers of these cars put a timer inside of them to ensure that we are inclined to replace our cars regularly, by making their magic fade faster and faster as time passes by. Those with more reputation points and gold coins can buy more elaborate cars with better protection from that timer than those who don’t have as many points or coins.
While the conspiracy is run by a secret consortium of evil magicians, another one protects that conspiracy. They too are the evil magicians, and they have special palaces to perform their magical incantations to figure out ways to steal our gold when we aren’t looking. The largest palace in my region of the realm is called Congress. The magicians have other titles too, usually they are called congressmen or senators. They earn money openly by inflicting us with lots of taxes on our cars, as well as our magic potions.
The evil palace magicians have many conspiracies against the common people, who are people like me. Not all of the evil magicians are part of that palace consortium, although they seem to use the palace magicians to help them with their conspiracies. There is another conspiracy against us, involving our “regeneration” potions. Some of these potions are for health, some are for energy, and some are special points, like intelligence, experience, and education. All of these potions are under continual attack from hidden factions of the evil magicians’ conspiracy forces.
On the health potions, they restrict our ability to earn the necessary points and gold. They tax them heavily, and participate in secret efforts to raise the prices to prohibit the lower ranking players from obtaining them. For the energy ones, they have created potions that are useless or actually even will take away energy points, leaving us exhausted and unable to progress to obtain points anywhere else. With the education points, they have limited where we can earn them, raised the costs immensely for those without a lot of reputation points or gold coins, and made it very difficult to obtain enough points to advance in the game. Sometimes, they’ll just take those points away for no reason at all, or require more points to advance without warning.
It’s just as bad with the experience points. There are periods of time when they refuse to grant experience points to any of the players without a huge backlog of experience points, or for those with fewer points in other areas. Sometimes, it’s based on the number of gold coins held in reserve. It’s very frustrating for players who are trying to advance to have this happen.
Most of all, they have attacked the intelligence point earning ability of players. Vast areas of the realm are traps, which suck away the intelligence points that a player has earned, and does it with no warning that it is happening. Remaining in such an area for any period of time can be devastating for a player, as they may not be aware of this until it is too late. It’s harder to earn those points back if you have been playing for any length of time too.
So, do you think I’m crazy yet?
Just in case you missed the satire, I suppose I’ll offer you the magical key to figure it out. The talisman for the car is a key. The most critical magic potion is our gasoline supply (or diesel if you have a diesel car.) The rest of it, well, I can only hope that you haven’t lost too many of those “intelligence points” and have accumulated at least some “reputation” or “experience” points along the way.