Dress to shop…the ‘mart style!

17 Aug

One of my friends on Facebook posted this today: EVERYONE is capable of having a paranormal encounter. EVERYONE. And it requires no special devices or pieces of equipment or psychic abilities or goofy celebrities along for the ride or access to abandoned buildings. All you have to do is shop at ***Mart.

It made me think about shopping there, especially since its on my dreaded to-do list for today.  It made me also realize that I fail to participate in the shopping experience the way I should.  We’ve all seen the “People of ***mart” photos.  Why not get in the spirit of the event, sort of like Halloween or Mardi Gras?

Instead of merely being sloppy because you ran to get another gallon of bleach to finish cleaning out the dog crate the puppy just barfed in…or to get bug spray for your garden…or some spray paint to finish that paint job you were in the middle of…go whole hog.

Start by getting out that box you have meant to donate for the last five years.  Fish out a top and a bottom.  Pajamas work too.  Especially those bright colored satin pajamas your Aunt Edith sent you for Christmas seven years ago that look like they were designed for a Las Vegas show with Liberace…

It’s also great if they are a size or two too small.  We’ll call it the minimalist look then.

Next…it’s your hair.  Let it all hang out.  Do a really great scalp massage, and maybe, while you are at it, massage in some olive oil too.  Not on your whole head, just the driest parts.  Rub some cornmeal or cream of wheat into the parts that weren’t so dry, cooked or raw, either way.  If your hair is long, you can sort of wad it up and tie a piece of twine or baling wire around it to hold it.  Then, long or short, fluff it a bit to really add that “crazed” look to your hair, and top it off with a headband, but wear that over your forehead, with a nice “poof” above the headband to add some shape to your hairdo.  Can’t have it looking flat, you know!

Now, shoes.  Shoes are important, health department regulations require them.  They don’t have to fit or match though, and its best if they don’t.  If they hurt your feet, remember, you can take them off as soon as you leave.  If you are wearing sandals, go wiggle your toes in some mud and truly ground yourself, making sure it cakes well around your toenails.  (Do double duty and get your fingernails at the same time!)

Socks can be worn, with sandals or shoes, but should be as shapeless as possible and mismatched is also good.  Those worn out sweat socks from your gym days will do the trick nicely.

Makeup is especially critical.  Blue eye shadow is required for all women, and the brighter the better.  Cover entire eyelid from eyelashes to eyebrow on both eyes, and then outline the eye heavily with black eye liner.  Don’t worry if the lines are crooked–it’s part of the look.  Lipstick must be either very bright or very dark, and worn heavily.  Don’t worry if it bleeds or is uneven–that too is part of the look.

Next comes your handbag.  This should be something that Mary Poppins couldn’t even fill up-the bigger the better.  Both men and women should carry a handbag.  It absolutely cannot match anything you are wearing, and should be very attention getting.   Sequins are fantastic.  Load it up too, this is your parking lot weapon, you want this to be heavy enough to do damage.  Don’t forget to add your wallet to the load.

Now you are ready to venture to ***mart, and are appropriately camouflaged as a native life form.  If you are approached by any other native life forms, start mumbling about toilet paper, eggs, biblical prophecies, aliens, elvis, and the sanctity of marriage.  As the other life forms approach you closer, continue mumbling but increase the volume steadily.  Coherent responses are only required if you wish to engage in interaction with the other life forms, otherwise, there is no need to respond to their comments or questions.  Shopping in pairs for safety and support is also good, and if you have a partner along, adding peculiar sounds to your commentary will help warn native life forms that you may not welcome their advances.  Move quickly through the store obtaining the items desired and return to the cash register, as statistics show that increased exposure to the ***mart experience has a detrimental effect on cognitive processes.

For some reason, I have this vision of Mork and Mindy hitting the discount store now…

Maybe I really don’t need to go shopping today…

Oh, and making your kids (especially if they are pre-teens or older) go along with  you while you do this…sweet revenge.  It’s better than grounding!


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