The things that I love about my life

29 Oct

I’ve spent an excessive amount of time lately focused on negativity.  It’s bad for the psyche, soul, spirit, or whatever name you want to  put on the non-physical part of each individual.  I like to be positive, and I’ve spent way too much time lately focused on the negative portions of my day to day existence.  Face it, we all have negatives in our lives, and they are probably essential to our overall well being.  After all, how could we recognize the positive if we didn’t have the negative to compare it to?

I have a lot that is VERY positive in my life.  Things that are more wonderful than the best dream possible.

Like what, you wonder?

Oh, like good old GM, who rarely gets more than his initials in my blog entries.  He is my fiance, and the love of my life.  Having him love me back is a fantastic gift from the Ladies of Fate or the Source or God or whatever name you want to put on it.  I don’t know how I could have ever thought I had a great life before he was part of it.

Yeah, I can gush.  But, at the same time, how many men can you ask to go to the store and buy sanitary napkins?  How many will try to do their other half’s hair?  (Even if it isn’t a very good job, he did try!)  He’s helped me put on my bra and get dressed when I was first hurt and completely inept.  He’s cleaned up after the dogs and cats.  He’s gone on wild goose chases for everything from caraway seeds to a good fishing spot.  He goes camping, even when he doesn’t want to, because I love going.  He gets up in the morning with only SOME bitching because his negative response to mornings was troubling me.  He makes me coffee, he does dishes, he does laundry…whatever he is asked for, he does.  He’s not a slave, by any means, he does those things for me because he loves me.  So, I’ll make him Mexican hot chocolate (he loves chocolate, and loves the Mexican version with cinnamon too.)  I get him little treats, like the chocolate hazelnut spread  or oatmeal pies he loves.  I try to show how much I appreciate him, and always feel as though he gets the short end of the stick.

We work together, we share common goals, we laugh together, and we gripe to each other.  We rarely fight, and our disagreements are more like flashes in the pan than anything remotely resembling a real dispute.  He’s my best friend,my lover, my cheering squad, my partner, my companion, my sounding board…in short, I’m ecstatically happy with him.  We have lived together for about two years now, but we’ve known each other for a decade or more.  He was my buddy before, and that was good, but this is oh-so-much-better-than-I-could-have dreamed to share my life with him.

My daughter lives nearby now, less than an hour away, which is rather like the saying…she’s close enough and far enough away.  I don’t want to be an overbearing mother and start interfering with her life and telling her what to do, even if I do know how to make her life better and have more experience than she does…

She has Type 1 diabetes, and has had it since she was 15.  She had such a high blood sugar reading initially that it was feared she would lapse into a coma and die.  For those diabetics out there that understand the numbers, her reading was over 2200.  She spent years in and out of the hospital with frequent DKA episodes, and the calls would frequently come to me when I was at work that she was sick and was at the hospital.  With her frequent admissions, the hospital was familiar with her, and we had a routine.  Her grandma would stay with her until I got off of work, then I would come and sign the paperwork again.  Over half of my paycheck went to pay for health insurance, and I needed to stay at work to pay for it.

After my son’s death when he was ten and my daughter was almost 18, it would have been so easy to go into ultra overprotective mom mode.  I wanted to.  Badly.  I had lost one chick and was deathly afraid of losing her, after all, it had been the “healthy” child that had suddenly died in his sleep…she was the one that was in and out of ICU each month.  I had to force myself to back off, keep my hands off, and let her fly, like a butterfly taking wing.  It was very hard, and it was harder yet when I decided to move entirely away, long after she was married the first time, as she was about to turn 21.  I was moving clear to New Orleans and leaving her behind in Arizona, and we both cried as we said goodbye, despite the fact that we have talked on the phone nearly every day since then.

I’ve always been teased by my family about being a “mama bear” when it came to my kids, and I still am.  I just put on a facade with a reminder to myself that I am to be “hands off.”  How can she live her life if I’m standing there looking over her shoulder?

Not to say that I agree with everything she has done with her life so far.  At the same time, lord help anyone that thinks she can be an object of ridicule or worse in my presence.  When push comes to shove, she is still MY BABY!!!  I may chastise her in private, but in public…I’m behind her 100% of the time.  She knows it, and she knows that she has responsibility there too.  She better NOT do anything that is truly wrong!

On October 18th, I became a grandmother, and as beautiful as that baby is, the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen was my daughter looking at the amazing new life she was holding in her arms.  It was all I could do not to cry.  It was a look of pure unconditional love, and it made my heart ache with joy to see it in her eyes.  She loves that tiny bundle of joy, no matter what.  She will do anything to protect her too.  I understand it, I was once in her shoes too.

It’s hard for her right now, the baby arrived prematurely because of preeclampsia.  Once fluid started developing on my daughter’s lungs, they couldn’t wait anymore.  She had an emergency c-section, and the baby made her debut.  She had the best of care at the University of Southern Alabama Women & Children’s Hospital in Mobile, Alabama.  I have nothing but good to say about that.  She had been a high risk pregnancy, but the preeclampsia was a “normal” complication rather than one of the expected ones as a result of her diabetes.  So, my grand daughter, who has inherited dark hair like mine and her uncle’s was, has to stay at the hospital until she is strong enough to come home, as well as big enough.

On Saturday, we’re giving the baby shower for my daughter.  It had been planned for months before the sudden birth, and we’re not changing the date even though the baby isn’t home.

I am so looking forward to being a grandmother.  I loved being a mom, and being a grandmother is like going on a chocolate diet.  You only get the sweet stuff!

As for daddy…well, all mothers know one thing, there is no man on earth good enough for our daughters.  Once we accept that fact, we can get on with getting on with.  It’s a given fact that my daughter is going to be right and he’s going to be wrong, but as long as he doesn’t treat her or my granddaughter badly, I guess he’s all right, right?

He adores his newest daughter as much as my daughter, I suspect.  He’s learning that its a whole new ball game though too.  His first three were all term, delivered quickly and without any drama, and came home in the manner that most babies do.  BUT…his “baby” is now 14, so things have changed a bit too.  Mama is a different woman entirely, and comes with a whole different way of doing things and expectations too.  He’s learning fast that the cookie cutter doesn’t fit, and that his baby daughter has a whole new family to go with her.  Great Grandma is going to arrive next month, along with a Great Great Aunt.  He hasn’t met them yet…and boy, oh boy, is he in for a surprise!  GM ran the gauntlet last year with the dynamic duo, and apparently passed muster.  I haven’t heard anything negative yet, nor have they asked any questions about our relationship that indicate they are concerned, so I guess he’s all right in there eyes.  After all, remember the bit about no man being good enough for your daughter? (or woman for your son though too!)  That’s applied to GM by MY mother.  The daddy has no experience with a matriarchal family, whereas GM comes from an equally matriarchal family, so he “gets” the idea.

Basically, I’ll confess, I like the daddy.  He was our friend first, then he met my daughter later.  It’s a bit weird, but that’s ok.  Lots of weird enters my life anyhow.

I have great friends too.  Friends who matter and are there when the chips are down.  That’s the kind that really matter anyhow.  Friends who only hang out with you when things are going good aren’t the kind of friends I want or need.

I have a radio show that is still fun to do.  I love the guests, they always offer interesting ideas for me to ponder.  I have complete creative control, so it allows me to do things my way.  That’s another thing in my life to love.  It keeps my mind active, and always looking at new ideas to see if they have merit for application in my life.

I write, and I love that too.  I write about all sorts of things, from restaurant reviews to food, about camping, about life and spirituality, about anything and everything I want to.  I make a bit of money from it once in a while, so that’s always a nice bonus.

I’m noticing a trend here.  The most important things to me are the people in my life: my family and friends, the guests I interview and the audience that listens.  Next is my creative outlets, and those too bring me great joy.  What isn’t on the list that many people might find odd?

Money.  Possessions.

Okay, I don’t like being broke and trying to figure out how to pay the bills.  However, over time, I have gotten used to it.  I still don’t like it, but oh well.  I’ve been unable to work for 11 months now, and that has been hard.  I can’t do everything I used to, and we’re definitely cutting corners and still sinking into a dismal swamp of financial disaster.  Soon, I hope GM will find a regular job with regular income or I’ll be able to return to the work force myself.

As for “stuff” which is how I usually refer to possessions, I’ve discovered that stuff weighs you down and hinders your travel through life.  I’d love to have a piece of property where I could garden, especially if it was before I’m too decrepit to garden!  In the meantime, I grow a few herbs in coffee containers and am satisfied.  I have the entire world around me, filled with greenery.  I can enjoy the world, even if the only dirt I own is the dirt we track inside on our collective feet…or I buy in a bag from the nursery. We have a van that usually runs, as it is wearing out now.  We have a travel trailer we still owe money on.  We own two bicycles, five tents, and a small heap of camping gear.  We have one functioning laptop.  We have a cell phone with an agreeable plan, even if I do hate the remaining time on the contract.  We have internet access.  We have a couple of bank accounts, and they aren’t in the red, even if they are somewhat anemic.

If I suddenly could buy everything I wanted, what would I buy?  Another laptop, another external hard drive, a new printer, another vehicle to replace our wheezy minivan, some tools we need, the desktop computer we need & the software we need, a small acreage where I could garden my little pea picking heart out on, a spacious shed where we could have office space, a regular bathroom, ample storage, and a regular kitchen in, as well as shop space…and that’s about it.  I don’t mind living in a travel trailer, although it would be nice to be able to afford to actually travel.  Small spaces can be cozy and efficient, and we’re working on getting there.  Adding a big shed with space to do the things we can’t do in a travel trailer would be nice, as would owning land where we could become more self sufficient.  It would be nice to have a fast and reliable ISP too, one that didn’t govern bandwidth during the 4 pm to midnight hours.

But if wishes were horses, we’d all have a ride…and there would be a shortage of hay.

My wishes are small, I suppose.  My grand dream is Exogeny Center, and it’s my passion.  I’m determined that someday, somehow, we shall get that set up, and we’ll be able to protect and preserve some very important parts of the world with it, such as heritage breeds of livestock, produce, field crops, and skill sets.  We’ll be able to pass those things on, so that future generations will still have something very precious to hold onto.  That is where my big dream lies, and I’ll give up my dream of owning a piece of land myself to get there.  When my granddaughter grows up, I want her to know that many things that were once common all through North America are still being preserved in a living heritage farm by people who live in the small planned community that is part of the overall picture, and that people from across the land are able to come and experience much the same thing as a generation ago they would experience when they visited their country cousins.

So dreams are something to love in my life too.  I still have them, even as I approach ever closer to that half century mark.  I have a whopper of a dream too, one that will take many people coming together to make happen.  I believe that GM and I can be the catalyst to ensure that it does happen too…with a little help from our family and friends, which is how all the good dreams come true.

Enlightenment…let it begin!



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